


Taking This One to the Grave

by XaviaAndromedovna



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Deserves to be Happy (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, I didn't really change anything I just made it make (more) sense, Love Confessions, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Canon Fix-It, Reunions, no beta we die from carefully placed rebar like hunters, omg I can't believe that's it's own tag honestly why am I surprised, though at least Cas isn't still in mega ultra hell for gays amiright?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27657713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XaviaAndromedovna/pseuds/XaviaAndromedovna
Summary: Some secrets aren't about hiding the truth but keeping that truth alive.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 96





	Taking This One to the Grave

**Author's Note:**

> Hello yes I'm still distraught that no one knows the full story about what Cas did because Dean took that shit to his grave, like if that's not peak queer culture I don't know what is. Someone needs to please physically remove me from the premises, I have zero business being back in this fandom.

It’s the buzzing that breaks him. He just needed a minute to process so he could force this down like he always does, but when he sees Sam’s name come through on his phone he knows he can’t ignore things this time. There’s no easy way to explain what just happened, especially when Dean _doesn’t even understand what just happened_. He drops his phone, places his head in his hands, and lets the tears flow, allows himself this one moment of weakness. He just cheated Death after all. He’s no good to anyone in this state so he might as well ride it out. _I’m no good to anyone period_ , he thinks bitterly before remembering one of the many things Cas said.

_"I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think that hate and anger, that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it."_ This wasn’t like the other goodbyes. They’ve all done so many iterations of the deathbed speech by this point it’s almost predictable but this time... Cas knows Dean better than anyone except Sam, which means he knows exactly which things scare Dean the most to hear. _"Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know."_

_"I love you."_ It’s not the first time Cas has said it (though it will be the last), but it means something different now; everything has taken on completely new meanings that he can’t even begin to wade through right now, possibly ever. Because if he understood Cas correctly— and there was very little room for interpretation in words like that, however indirect— then all the jokes and snide remarks at their expense, all the knowing looks from their friends and enemies, all the moments Dean tried never to look at too closely: it was all real.

_"You asked what about all this is real,"_ he’d said what feels like ages ago. _"We are."_ How could he have missed this? _Because you didn’t want to see it,_ he reminds himself. There wasn’t enough of a reason to address it and even if they did there wasn’t time, there was never enough time.

There wasn’t even time to say anything back. He can’t begin to guess what he would have even said to all that but Cas deserved to hear _something_ , deserved more than to leave himself completely vulnerable before the man he was evidently so in love with just admitting it out loud was enough to make him happy, and then die. Not just die, but die specifically to save Dean. What do you even say to that?

_I love you too_ , a now-unlocked compartment of his brain rattles. A normal person would have said “I love you too”, but that word doesn’t mean the same thing anymore, does it? Has he been unintentionally leading him on this entire time? Making him think they could be something... else? _"Because the one thing I want... it's something I know I can't have."_ No, he never expected Dean to reciprocate, hell he probably didn’t even expect to ever tell him. He would have been happy just to— no, he wouldn’t. That was the point right? It wasn’t just confessing, it was being able to tell Dean how he feels without having to worry about being rejected, because he knew Dean wouldn’t have _time_ to reject him. Knew there was virtually no coming back from the Empty and he’d never have to face the aftermath of what he said. That sneaky son of a bitch.

Cas gets to unload a year’s worth of revelations and just leave Dean to pick up the pieces? _At least you’re still alive to do so_ , he can imagine the angel retorting. He’s alive. Cas saved him. With the power of gay no less. For the angel Castiel was so fucking gay for Dean Winchester, he gave his life so his love could save the universe. What the fuck is he supposed to do with that?!

The incessant buzzing finally breaks him out of his spiraling thoughts and reminds him of the problem at hand. Cas wouldn’t want him to wallow, and certainly not to give up. The best way to honor Cas’s sacrifice is to fight for the life he saved. He picks up the phone. “Hey Sammy,” he answers, ignoring how his voice breaks. “Yeah I’m okay, where are you?”

~~~

When he tells Sam and Jack what happened to Cas, Sam takes it at face value albeit suspiciously, but Jack looks at him with confusion and then heartbreaking clarity. The kid knew about this. Not just that, he knew the conditions of that deal, and put two and two together. But there’s no time for that, and anyway it’s none of their damn business; what Cas gave, what he spoke into existence, was for Dean’s ears only.

They get to work.

~~~

Chuck has been defeated. Jack is the new God. Everyone who disappeared is back, everyone except...

Sam asks how he’s dealing with it over pie but he can’t go there. He says what needs to be said because it’s true; the best way to honor him is to keep living. Something deep within him begs him to tell Sam everything, now that it’s over, but he can’t, not yet. Probably not ever. He doesn’t even know how to begin talking about it, especially when it will inevitably raise questions he never had time to answer for himself let alone those whose opinions matter most to him. He looks over at Sam and knows his unbelievably amazing brother will give him all the time he needs. And anyway some things don’t need to be said.

In the end though, Dean never gets the chance to say it after all. Never gets to know how Sam would have reacted to Cas’s truth and its implications. Perhaps that’s for the best; theirs can be the greatest love story never told, one he knows Chuck would never dare write. Some secrets go with us to our graves, because it’s a truth too intimate, too precious to share, too deeply woven into the core of who we are that to explain it would take a lifetime. And he doesn’t have that kind of time anymore.

He pulls his brother close and leaves with him all the “I love you”s he never said, should have said but couldn’t. It’s the least he can do: pay forward the vulnerability and affection Cas showed him in his final moments to those still around for Dean to tell.

~~~

“Hello Dean.”

Dean turns around with a menacing smirk. Ever since Bobby told him, he’s been waiting for this moment, waiting to tell Cas just what he thinks of his confession. “Castiel.”

The angel looks around nervously. “Well this is embarrassing.”

Dean scoffs. “Oh you mean because you thought you’d never have to actually deal with the consequences of your actions? Dick move, Cas.”

“I’m sorry. In my defense—“

“Save it,” Dean cuts in with a wave of his hand. “You had your moment, let me have mine.” Cas flinches and Dean realizes this might not be the best approach. Cas still honestly believes Dean will reject him for his feelings. He sighs and walks up to Cas, pulling him into a hug. Cas freezes before tentatively bringing his arms up to complete the embrace. They just stand there like that for several seconds, or maybe it’s decades; time does work different here, and he realizes only in that moment that he kind of likes the idea of standing here holding him while centuries pass them by. Who’s gonna stop them, Jack?

“I don’t—"

“What’d I just say?” Dean snaps fondly, muffled by Cas’s shoulder. “I’m getting there just, give me a minute.” They continue their silent embrace until Dean is sure about what he wants to say. He pulls back to face Cas but doesn’t remove his arms from the angel’s waist. “First of all, thank you. For saving me. Granted, I did get myself killed almost immediately after saving the world, but that’s life I guess.” Cas moves his lips as if to speak but thinks better of it. “Second of all, fuck you for dumping all that on me and then just casually fucking off to an eternity in super hell. Don’t you ever pull something like that again.”

“I’m sorry.” Cas releases him trying to create distance between them but Dean’s not letting him go that easily. He just pulls Cas back into him and rests his head on his shoulder. He’s not good with words, but actions he can do. Cas settles back into the embrace, cautiously placing his hand on the back of Dean’s head.

“I thought I lost you for good this time,” he eventually murmurs. He lets their chests rise and fall together in syncopated breath, though neither of them strictly needs oxygen anymore. Just a habit, one that reminds Dean that Cas is really here. “One minute you were there and the next you were just gone.”

“I’m sorry,” rumbles through Cas’s chest.

“I’m sorry too,” Dean replies eventually, determined to open once and for all the spaces in his subconscious he used to wish weren’t there. “Sorry I made you think you couldn’t have this.”

Cas breathes in sharply and pulls back to search Dean’s face for confirmation that he heard him correctly. “What?”

He smiles at the hope shining in Cas’s eyes and he knows in his heart this is the face he wants to see for the rest of time. “You heard me. If you still want me, I’m right here.”

“Dean you don’t have to—“

“I know I don’t,” he replies firmly. “I’m saying I want to. I wasted so much time on Earth telling myself I didn’t but I do.” Suddenly the words that he could never quite spit out are the easiest he’s ever said. “I love you, Cas.”

Only when he sees the wetness of Cas’s face does he register his own tears. He laughs, and then Cas laughs, and when they kiss, it’s complicated by the fact that they can’t seem to stop smiling.


End file.
